Image by Tina Floersch
Post by Amy Brown, amazing woman, blogger, and co-host of the Bobby Bones Show.
My husband and I started trying to get pregnant about 8+ years ago. We’d been married for a couple of years at that point and decided we were ready to grow our family and into the next phase of life. Little did we know how hard it would be to do that.
When it didn’t happen right away, I assumed it was because he traveled often and we didn’t always have the luxury of being together. At the time, we were stationed at a military base in North Carolina, so we did the best we could between deployments… I held out hope and charted my cycle… oh, and also did all the tricks… handstands and such. (You know what I’m talking about!)
We both waited for that inevitable moment when we would see our “plus sign.”
Unfortunately, that moment never came, so I started seeing a fertility doctor on base. I’m unbelievably grateful I had access to great healthcare so that I could get some answers. I do not take that for granted. But after several rounds of tests, when nobody could tell us what was wrong, I started to wonder if this was ever going to happen for us. It was so challenging to have it completely out of our control.
The worst part was that every single month was a reminder. Every period. Every time I heard a baby cry. Every baby shower. Every single time I would get PMS and think maybe this meant I was pregnant. Every time I took another pregnancy test. Every time I made another appointment with the doctor. Everything was a reminder of the fact that I wanted a family and couldn’t have one right now.
Being that I work on the Bobby Bones Show, there are many times my frustrations and emotions show up on the airwaves… and during this time… crying on air definitely happened a lot. (Some outbursts I totally blame on Clomid, which I took to “make my eggs more attractive,” because it made my hormones nutzo.) I’m pretty sure that during one of those hormonal episodes, I walked out live on the air… maybe even quit my job… it’s all a blur. 🙂
So yeah, what we were doing was not ideal for me. I felt like a crazy person! I quit Clomid.
Around that time is when adoption was put on my heart. I just started thinking, If there are so many kids out there who need moms… and I want to be a mom more than anything… why wouldn’t I do this? It was a process for me to get there fully, one I don’t have time to unpack here, but I had to get to the place where I was willing to think about my family in a brand new way.
It took my husband a little bit longer to come around to this idea, but that’s another story for another time.
We tried domestic adoption first, but the door kept closing in various ways. Each time we would try something else, and the door would be closed again.
Right around that time, the door swung wide open for us to adopt two kids from Haiti.
I’ll be honest. This wasn’t on my radar—adopting kids from another country, or adopting older kids. But as soon as I found out this was a huge need in Haiti, I remember looking at my husband and just saying, “Do you want to change diapers?” Both of us just realized at the same time that adopting older kids was not off the table for us. He definitely had zero desire to change diapers!!!
That launched us into what has been a long, frustrating but totally worth-it process of adopting two kids from Haiti who are “ours” and will, Lord willing, be home before the end of the year. It’s been so frustrating and infuriating in moments because of all the politics and bureaucracy involved, but I’m beyond grateful for all the ways this has opened my eyes and my heart to an incredible family I never in a million years dreamed I would have.
In fact, none of the beautiful things I’ve experienced in the last 8+ years would have happened if my family had come on my terms.
I think often about how my plan was to quit my job in radio so I could stay home with my babies once I got pregnant. There’s nothing wrong with this plan, and in fact, several of my friends and even my sister have taken this route. But when I think about what I would have missed if I had gotten exactly what I wanted, exactly when I thought I wanted it, I’m reminded about how God has a plan for our lives that is so much better than ours.
His timing really is perfect.
Because of my involvement in radio over the past 11+ years, I not only get to do work that is really meaningful to me (shout-out to our incredible listeners, who keep me going every single day) but we also get to use the platform we’ve been gifted to support great causes and do more good in the world. By God’s grace, and the support of our truly amazing listeners, we’ve been able to raise awareness and contribute funds to places like the orphanage in Haiti where my kids live, where they need all of the HOPE and support they can get.
Also, when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I was able to tell her story to our listeners and be a part of watching how her battle with cancer inspired thousands of others via #PIMPINJOY to keep fighting and keep hoping and choosing joy, even when things were hard.
I’m so grateful.
Since then, I’ve matured into the woman I am now, who is more equipped and more prepared to be a mom than I was before. Sure, if I became a mom before, I would have found my way. But every time I fight to get my kids home from Haiti I’m reminded that I already have a mother’s heart for them, and I get to be a part of what we’re doing with the show—which we hope is inspiring people and bringing them a little more hope every day.
Now, I even get to use my voice to talk about the importance of adoption.
If you’re out there and you’re crying every time you see the pregnancy test is negative, I just want you to know: I get it. And I want to offer you a little bit of hope that, even if your family doesn’t get started at the time or in the way you think it will, there are probably hidden gifts in this timeline, and the family you may not have expected, that you cannot yet see.
I know it’s hard. And I know that those constant reminders are terrible. But if you’re patient, and you choose not to wallow, and you allow yourself to be open to seeing the good, I promise you will not be disappointed by the plan God has for you.
It takes some patience. Lots of patience, actually. But you are becoming a mother, even as you read this. Your mother’s heart is growing.
Soon, our kids will be home.
Follow Amy on Instagram and Twitter at @RadioAmy, and read about her incredible adoption journey on her blog.